i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
