Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
