He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
