there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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