i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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