my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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