Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
