Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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