I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
