I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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