Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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