By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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