you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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