You smell like stripper and shame
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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