I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
