Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think your dad took our porno
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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