I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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