On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
