the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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