To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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