Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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