tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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