Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i love accidental penises.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
