I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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