i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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