What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
