For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
