I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize