You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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