I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize