Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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