$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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