Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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