he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
