If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
