dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
