Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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