I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
