He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize