wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
