i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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