so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
