Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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