I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
