Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
