Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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