how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
