so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
