I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
