she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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