I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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