I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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