I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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