The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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