Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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