I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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