I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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