I can text with my tongue
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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